Flora Fling's Filings

The bitter pill called 2011

So glad 2011 is over. As Murray Hill put it on New Year's Eve, "That year just fucking sucked."

It felt like a year of frustration, desperation and bitching. Changing jobs, getting past someone who was very toxic for me and strategically amping up my social life were three of my goals. They were accomplished, but not without a lot of pain and effort. PAINFUL effort. I had too much stress, too much aggravation, too much energy spent, too much jealousy, too much desperation. I worked myself into some frustrating frenzies and created some bad mental habits. It took me a long time to resolve the emotional irresponsibilities of the toxic person I had been involved with.

I deprived myself of proper vacations. I burned out. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I kicked my ambien addiction. I made lists and lists of things to do that drove me nuts. I overanticipated and tried too hard. I was relentless in making changes but so relentless that I just hurt and frustrated myself.

I skipped Dry July and drank like a fish. I found other vices that I never knew I had. I decided that I had lived too long in one apartment, tried to get a sublet, broke my toe and got a professional organizer for my apartment instead.

I tried so hard that I got exhausted from trying to sell my awesomeness to the world.

I felt fear. I still feel fear but I know to face it this time. Deep breath and face what won't always be easy.

I realized there is limited time in the day for people and things so don't forget yourself.

I experienced self-absorption in others that absolutely sickened me. It tasted like bile and I don't want that.

I realized I was addicted to overscheduling myself and being busy. I had a meltdown in yoga class which inadvertently lead to breaking my toe after class....that was the beginning of having to slow down and sit with the pain and loneliness I had been successfully running away from by staying busy.

I took escape trips out of town. I realized, when out of town, that I didn't hate myself, I just hated myself in NYC.

I turned 40 and celebrated my birthday exactly as I wanted with my best friends in Vegas at the Burlesque Hall of Fame. I worked five months on my hocks to legs trapeze trick and finally caught it 4 times in a row. I got a housekeeper and paid down a big chunk of credit card bills.

There are many resolutions and aspirations for 2012 but first I need to digest the bitter pill that was 2011.

The Wait

During my last therapy session she told me I would just have to wait for this time period to pass. To stop living any further than the current day or the current hour. My mental bag o'tricks is empty which is why she advised I only try to get through each day. Nothing further I can do but sit here and feel these crappy, crappy feelings. And boy, am I feeling them. I've been feeling them for months.

Truly at a loss for what to do especially when the advice I'm given is to do nothing. The "too much effort" from this entire past year seemed to get me nowhere anyway so I might as well do nothing.

The Cry

Its been a week of tears. Reading back over my posts since April, it looks like its been a year of tears. I broke my toe on Thanksgiving, all the more reason to cry. Its been a rough year. I've made huge efforts for change, some of which has come but I need more change. And I'm tired of putting out the effort. Feels like I've been trying too hard.

I've given this a lot of thought and have no answers. I'm not the type of person who can sit around and wait for things to happen. Not sure if this is a life lesson I am supposed to be learning.

I crave intensity, interaction and these days, a fuck load of attention. My girlfriend says I'm at a point where I am accepting scraps. I know what she means, but I am not sure what it really means, and how I should stop. Stop judging it? Stop having expectations? Stop running around? Stop living my life as I do?

I continue to be at a crossroads and am not sure where to go from here.

The 40 Something....

I seem to meet all the passive 40 something males. Lucky, lucky me....I like the one I'm dating now but I can't sit around and watch this silly passive behavior. It gets me nowhere. I somehow have the easy pass to these f*ckers. I attract them. No matter what "signals" of willingness and availability I give them, for some reason, after 25 years of being attracted to women, they can't seem to make a move.

This latest one, in particular, seems to like football and my television more than he likes me. Being used to for football games and my 40 inch......that's a new one that hasn't happened before.

Hustlers

You can't hustle a hustler....if you, yourself, are not a hustler.

Friends

Keep your friends close.....but keep your enemies closer.

Transition

The transition period in my life has been a lot rougher than I expected. I currently feel overscheduled and realize its a habit I've acquired in the past four and a half years in my life and it isn't easy to break.

A friend sent me a blog link and this phrase struck me.

"These days I’m realizing more and more that freedom is something that we have access to right now. Anytime you rely on something else for it, you give your power to that something else. And that’s definitely not freedom."

I need to stop giving my power away to a schedule and to time.

 

Hot Mess

I recently wrote to a friend, "I am trying to recover from the weekend. I partied WAAY too hard and didn't really get any rest. I have to put my head back in the game this week but I really don't feel like it. I am enjoying the summer for the first time in 4 years and being a hot mess feels good right now."

Luckily I am in a transition period in my life, ready to head to the next chapter so a hot mess is the perfect thing to be right now. 

Stripped at the 1 yardline

A wise friend recently said, "A good wing woman never steals the guy! That's breaking wingwoman commandment #1!"

Checked Out

I feel checked out professionally but a friend told me its best not to entirely check out without solid reason.

I am headed on a camping trip tomorrow that I have been looking forward to for months. First summer I think I have seriously attempted to enjoy in 4 years. 

God speed! Universe - provide me with some blessings!