My benching of 2011 isn't going as smoothly as I expected. So instead of benching I'm going with an exit strategy which is hopefully as effective but mostly is painful. Coffeeshop boyfriend rolled in the coffeeshop unexpectedly this morning. We have more or less called it quits. But here he comes with his captivating and intense energy. Asks me what I'm doing today. He never plans in advance. Me? I'm booked a week out. I tell him my friend is coming for a visit this afternoon. He says I should come over a play with his Apple TV he just bought at the Apple Store.
I resist.
I have thrown my days' plans away for him many, many times.
I resist.
He goes outside to smoke a cigarette and I start thinking of all the ways I could rearrange my day and go over to his place.
But I resist.
My heart wishes he would come inside and ask me one more time to come over and hang out. Y'know, put in some effort? He never does. He didn't this time either.
I feel like the crack dealer has unexpectedly rolled into town. I'm off the crack but damn, it smells good, it looks good.....
I resist.
He leaves to go to the deli across the street. We simultaneously exit the deli and coffeeshop, wave goodbye to each other from across the street and go our separate ways.
I've successfully resisted.
Then I turn a corner and have an intense emotional reaction which catches me off guard. So off guard that I make it home and burst into non-stop tears. Grief, disappointment, sadness.
I'm finally on my way out with my exit strategy....it may just take a little more crying....that's all.
PS As if the universe needed to hit me over the head with a sign, he's hanging out with Slink tonight.
