Flora Fling's Filings

40 til 40 (Day 35)

When you see his goddamn motorcycle parked across the street in front of his new lady du jour's building, the motorcycle he refused to ever give you a ride on.....escape in high heels for some debauchery in Hoboken....

40 til 40 (Day 36)

Prince William got married today. I remember very clearly when his mother and father got married. This makes me feel old.

40 til 40 (Day 37)

Crawled in bed at 7:15pm. And stayed there.

40 til 40 (Day 38)

Today felt like emotional vomit. Nothing felt right, not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. 

40 til 40 (Day 39)

As if seeing Coffeeshop Boyfriend the other morning wasn't bad enough, this morning the Music Producer walks in with his new lady du jour. Thanks universe, my ego really needed a double header! I think this is called bi-losing (cuz it ain't bi-winning).

Might be time for a new coffeeshop.

40 til 40 (Day 40)

For the first time in months, today, I reached, some level of relaxation. After hot yoga and a massage, my mind came to a halt. The feeling of putting out "three times" the effort to get "one time" back stopped. As I left massage therapy, I walked down the street and past a church. The last time I felt desperate enough for change was when I left the Ex-ex and I darted into St. Patrick's cathedral to pray.

Yes.....pray. I am not religious. I was raised Catholic but don't believe in structured religion anymore but when times feel desperate, I can enter a church and find a childhood peace and comfort that doesn't exist in my adult life. The church was so quiet. There was chaos out on the street, but it was so tranquil in there.

I prayed (mostly I am praying to myself, not to a God), that the change I am looking for happens. The last time when I was in St. Patrick's I prayed for a job so I could get out of my relationship. This time I prayed for the continued chaos in my head to stop, for things to move forward in a positive fashion and to not feel so desperate all the time.

On day 40 til 40, I reverted back to my childhood and prayed.

The Power of the Wish

I found a red envelope on the top of my fridge today. Presumably from Chinese New Year last year. I opened it up and found the wish I made for 2010.

"Lots of fun, healthy, safe sex (LOTS!) in 2010."

Well....I certainly got my wish for 2010. Sounds like I need to make a wish for 2011 (and fast!).

40 til 40

Tomorrow I am 40 days away from 40. Unbelievable. Despite years of not fearing the approaching age by any means, the past few months have created a forum for perspective, retrospective and emotional analysis that my brain has not been able to avoid. Last night I had a birthday dinner with my friend who turned forty-one. With hindsight about turning forty, she said, "It's not turning forty that's the issue. It's that other people make you feel defense about being forty in their reaction to the actual word 'forty'."

Agreed.

Despite living in New York where '40 is the new 30' and plenty of my comptempories are not living contemporary lifestyles (read: married and living in suburbia), the word 'forty' coming out of my mouth makes me feel....well I'm not sure how it makes me feel.

Forty is a threshold.

Forty to a twenty-five year old is OLD.

A woman who is forty in this culture gets judged, even if its a silent judgement.

In the next 40 days, I plan on laying out how I feel about turning 40. Up unto this point in my blog writing, I have never mentioned my age.

Now I'm gonna ride this rollercoaster and see where it takes me.

Rule #1

Never go to the coffeeshop without lipstick on in the morning.....you never know when his BFF will walk in.

On Dating

Quoted from a NY Times article (and truthful by today's dating standards):

I was suffering from the kind of acute loneliness that comes from dating college guys for whom the word “girlfriend” does not exist and whose idea of a proposal is sending a graphic, indecent late-night text message.